Johnson, Stenson Atop Leaderboard at U.S. Open

Dustin Johnson and Henrik Stenson have nothing in common except the top of the U.S. Open leaderboard. If they were wines, Johnson would be poured from a box and Stenson would require a sommelier. But here they are after the first round at Chambers Bay tied for the lead. Johnson got there by hitting the ball so far that it was handed a hot, scented towel on the flight. Stenson got there by spending much of his day pulling birdie putts out of the cup. They ended with identical 5-under-par 65s, which likely gave the USGA the heebie-jeebies.

Red isn't a popular color at U.S. Opens, unless it's a player's own blood. The USGA prefers its winners to suffer along the way -- or request strychnine at round's end. Weeping is encouraged. Johnson and Stenson didn't suffer Thursday. Johnson, starting on the back nine, put together a 33-32 that was low on anxiety. Then again, Johnson always looks like he just woke up 30 seconds ago. His gift is his distance and his practiced nonchalance.

For example, here's a quintessential DJ-ish explanation of why he's fond of the par-4, 385-yard 16th hole:

"Today on 16, I think, you know, with the tee up, that bunker on the right, it's like 300 [yards] carry, and I can carry it that far, so it definitely helps to take the bunker out of play."

Yes, it usually does when your drive can take aerial photos as it passes over a bunker 300 yards away.

Johnson said this in his signature monotone. If he won the Super Bowl MVP, he would look into the camera, shrug, and say, "I guess I'm going to Disney World."

This is his way. When asked how he'd rank Thursday's round, he said, "I don't know how to rank it. It was just ... good."

Maybe there was a time you figured the artist formerly known as Tiger Woods had earned his own demise, that he had this coming to him all along. Maybe you thought he deserved to suffer on the golf course after the scandal, and after he spent his dynastic years wearing that invisible Do Not Disturb sign while keeping you, the sports fan, as far away as possible on the less fortunate side of the ropes.

Maybe you were a blind believer in karma, entrenched enough in the what-goes-around, comes-around crowd to enjoy watching Woods devolve into the worst kind of a muni-course hacker.

But even the most passionate haters can't find satisfaction in this anymore. Like him or not, Tiger Woods stands among the greatest athletes this country has ever produced. Who really wants to see him keep getting humiliated like he was Thursday at Chambers Bay, where the tattered remains of his indomitable aura were pancaked by the freight trains rumbling across the banks of Puget Sound?

Woods shot 10-over 80 in his opening round of the U.S. Open, his first tournament since posting his worst score as a pro, 85, at Jack Nicklaus' Memorial Tournament, a score right out of the B-flight semifinals at your local club. Woods has been trying and failing to nail down his 15th major title for seven years, and no, he's no longer worried about catching Nicklaus at 18.

He's now worried about catching 15-year-old Cole Hammer, who just beat him at Chambers Bay by 3 strokes. "But the bright side," Woods joked, "is at least I kicked Rickie's butt today."